


Danville's Funniest Home Videos

by dankmatter



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Canon Fuckery, Compilation, Crack, Cuckquean, F/M, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Multi, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-07-27 02:24:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20038375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dankmatter/pseuds/dankmatter
Summary: A compilation of the people of Danville doing funny, sad, cringey, and stupid things. Each chapter has several funny moments for you to die from crack overdose to.





	1. Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> I forgot to mention this but everyone is three years older than in the series. So all of Candace's friends are legal, and the kids are now teenagers.

**Clip 1: Tree**

_Submitted by Linda Flynn-Fletcher  
_

The clip opens with Linda walking down the stairs, camera uncomfortably close to her face. "Okay, so, I am sick and tired of my daughter dragging me across town to show me things that aren't there. So, I'm putting up a camera to watch the backyard while I run some errands." She set her phone on a tripod and turned on the camera. The camera just showed Phineas and Ferb reading books. Phineas was reading Ulysses, and was roughly three quarters through, while Ferb was reading a hentai doujin of Shrek and Fiona. Around halfway through they moved to the tree because the sun was interrupting them. Linda eventually came back to check the camera. However, just as she checked it, Phineas fell out of the tree, breaking a few bones. "Oh my god!" Linda shrieked. She pressed a button to turn it off. She double checked it. "Did it turn off? Hey, why is there a submit butto-"

**Clip 2: Dance**

_Submitted by an anonymous source  
_

The camera shakes for a bit before settling. It was around 1:25 AM. The camera peaked through the window to the basement. Ferb was in the dimly lit basement, dancing to some XXXTentacion music. He did the robot, then the worm, before breakdancing freestyle. As he spun on his hand, he noticed the camera. "Hey, what is that?" The person holding the camera ran off, staring at the ground. Two black boots and leather pants could be seen.

**Clip 3: Bed**

_Submitted by Stacy Hirano  
_

Stacy placed the camera on a tripod. "There, we're good." She then walked to her bed. Jeremy laid on the bed, fully naked. "Come get my dick you Asian goddess," he said seductively. Stacy, also naked, then positioned herself over his cock. She squeezed his penis into her vagina. She bounced on his seven inch rod, moaning loudly and talking dirty in Japanese. Jeremy clawed and spanked her brown ass, making animal noises like oinks and growls. They fucled for five minutes before he shot his load through her vaginal tract. She got up, cum dripping from her pussy, and went to the camera. "Remember, don't tell Candace," Jeremy said. "Got it. Now let's take the video of me failing at juggling to Danville's Funniest Home Videos."

**Clip 4: Diary**

_Submitted by Heinz Doofenshmirtz  
_

Perry chittered into the camera, subtitles appearing at the bottom of the screen. "OWCA Diary #32. Today I shall finally ask out Pinky the Chihuahua." He carried the camera out of the house, being careful not to alert his owners. He dashed across the street to Isabella's yard. There, he saw Pinky. He chittered more. "Pinky? I've been thinking. Would you like to go on a date?" Pinky yapped a few times, which weren't subtitled. Perry lowered the camera and trotted back home. Then, the camera cut a year later. Doof was in front of the camera. "Haha! Now that I have stolen one of Perry the Platypus's most embarrassing diary entries, I shall submit this to Danville's Funniest Home Videos, bringing widespread shame to him! Everyone will be so distracted talking about it I will waltz into the mayor's office and TAKE OVER THE TRI-STATE AREA! Submit. Wait, did I record that onto the footage?"

**Clip 5: Skateboard**

_Submitted by Isabella Garcia-Shapiro  
_

Isabella placed her phone onto a stand on the table. "Okay, today I will show you how to grind on banisters," she said to who she intended to be her subscribers on YouTube. She climbed up the stairs, put her skateboard down, and got on it. She grabbed the grip tape and readied herself. She then jumped. However, the front of the board landed on the banister rather than the axels. She was propelled into the phone, accidentally pressing submit as the glass cracked.

**Clip 6: Painting**

_Submitted by Lawrence Fletcher  
_

"Hello YouTube, today I will paint Edwin Landseer's _Man Proposes, God Disposes_, let's get this one to 100 likes," Lawrence said. He placed a smock on the table beside him. He dabbed his brush in some blue and began painting. The video was mostly silent, with Lawrence occasionally (and I mean occasionally) commenting on the painting's supposed curse. Around 34 minutes in, he had just finished the second polar bear and was about to draw the boat. "Now, this painting was based on the lost expedition to-" suddenly a 2013 Toyota Camry plowed through the wall, the phone falling over. Buford appeared and grabbed the phone. "Gotta submit this to DFHV!" he yelled, closing the video._  
_

**Clip 7: Bird**

_Submitted by an anonymous source  
_

The clip is literally just part of Summer Belongs to You, starting right before everyone takes off and ending at the Himalayas, when a bird grabs the phone and flies off. Eventually, the bird drops it and it continues filming in an unknown mountainous area before it shuts off. Right before it does, however, a blue, furry hand grabs the camera...

**Clip 8: Burger**

_Submitted by Candace Flynn  
_

Candace opens the video by explaining the backstory. "Okay, Jenny is literally the most annoying fucking bitch, she has apparently been keeping me from busting Phineas and Ferb by using weird voodoo shit. So, that's why I've hidden a little surprise in her veggie burger." Jenny then sat down and they began eating. After that, they got up and started shopping. Just ten minutes in, though... "Ugh, my stomach feels horrible," Jenny said. She then ran to the bathroom, followed closely by Candace. She went into a stall and starting screaming various racial slurs as her bowels exploded so hard it put Mount Vesuvius to shame. Candace left a few minutes into the ordeal, cackling maniacally.

* * *

On the day of airing, all of Danville tuned in for the episode. Many developments occured afterwards. The Flynn-Fletchers started digging into OWCA and eventually found out about Perry's double life. Jenny doxed Candace shortly after the episode aired. Speaking of whom, Candace confronted Jeremy and Stacy, and forgived them, coming out as both bisexual and a cuckquean. Buford was meant to be taken into juvenile court for carjacking and driving underaged, but went missing before the trial. Ultimately, Buford's mom was given the award in her son's stead. The episode pulled 1.2 million views and an 8.3/10 on IMDb.


	2. Episode 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The release date is supposed to be 8/26, the date on the overview is because this was a draft.

**Clip 1: Window**

_Submitted by Candace Flynn  
_

Candace opened the video. "Hey all, I was just rewatching last week's DFHV episode with Stacy, when she bet me that it will happen again. So, I'm putting the camera up to see if it will. He's standing pretty close to the window," she said. She placed the camera on a tripod and ran back inside. 5 hours passed of nothing happening. Phineas had long since moved away from the window, but since Candace was inside doing Lord knows what, she didn't know. Apparently, the two brothers had also decided to have another do nothing day. Eventually, Phineas came back to the window. "Ferb, I'm telling you, there's a bird out there that looks just like Shaquille o-" he poked his head too far out of the window. He fell, hitting the roof on his way down. Candace burst outside, her dress and panties off to reveal her wet vagina. She was both scared that he was hurt and happy that she won the bet. However, her happiness trumped her fear, so she grabbed the camera and turned it off.

**Clip 2: Milk**

_Submitted by an anonymous source_

This video was similar to the last one focusing Ferb. It was late at night (2:03AM, to be precise), and the camera was of the same low quality. The camera shoot as its holder rustled the bush they were sitting in. Ferb was in the kitchen. He got a glass and poured himself some milk. He drank it as he went back upstairs. The camera followed him to his bedroom. Suddenly, his phone rung. He took it out of his shirt pocket and began reading while drinking. "When you're hiding from the school shooter and the autistic kid next to you starts screaming creeper aw-" he laughed out loud. He laughed so hard that his milk shot out of his nose at high speeds, destroying his phone. The person holding the camera walked off, a feminine sigh being heard.

**Clip 3: Fight**

_Submitted by Buford van Stomm  
_

Buford opened the video. "Hello, my Bufbros, today I will show you what could go wrong if you bully the wrong nerd," he said, placing thr camera on a stand. He walked away from the camera, revealing Baljeet. "How much am I being paid again?" Baljeet asked. Buford pulled out a $20. Baljeet put the money in his pocket. Buford did an obviously fake roar, and tried to attack the Indian boy, clearly trying to miss. Baljeet dodged slightly and delivered a very soft punch to the neck. "Ow! My neck!" Buford said, not much emotion being put into it. Baljeet "pulled" the bigger boy over (who was obviously moving on his own. He got on top of his "victim" and gave some slow punches that barely touched him. The clip cut to later. Buford is covered in ketchup, bandaids, and bruises that were drawn onto his skin with marker. He was holding his eye slightly closed, with blackish purple eye shadow to make it look like a black eye. Baljeet also had ketchup on him and was giving a blank, emotionless stare. "That will be all for today, Bufbros, join us next week and I will show you how to place your nerd's nudes in their crush's locker."

**Clip 4: Class**

_Submitted by Isabella Garcia-Shapiro  
_

The time was around 11:34AM, Isabella showed off the classroom she was studying in for a bit. She put a book up, with three holes punched into it: two for her eyes, one for the camera to film through. She got everything in position, and began recording Phineas, sitting at his desk, minding his own business, reading up on the exciting world of the bacteria that lives in your stomach, the kind that makes you breathe and blink manually. Her breathing could clearly be heard, getting heavier and creepier. Eventually, the sound of power tools whirring and the occasional sound of metal striking wood could be heard. Suddenly, the teacher came in. She was a tall, sexy black woman that all the guys (and some of the girls) had crushes on. Even some of the gay guys and taken people wanted her. "Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro, are you paying atten- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" she screeched. "Ahh! Don't look! Wait, is that a send butt-". Right before the video stopped, an unfinished wooden sculpture of Phineas' head could be seen.

**Clip 5: Mugging**

_Submitted by Ferb Fletcher  
_

The camera was positioned on a tripod. It was around 10:00AM, Phineas and Ferb were sitting under the tree as usual. "Hey Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!" Phineas said. "We're gonna build an Evoker to summon our Personas!" And so, their daily routine began. As usual, they got the machine done by 1:00PM. Phineas was in charge of building it, while Ferb went to buy the deep web drugs needed for it. At last, it was complete. Phineas went first, firing it at his head. Nothing happened. "Well, guess it didn't work, just like everything else this summer," he said. "This was so much more fun three years ago." Suddenly, a guy jumped over the fence. He was incredibly muscular, white, blonde, generally the person Hitler jacked off to. "Are those drugs in that gun?" he said. "Well, yeah, but-" "Give it to me." "No." The guy punched Phineas so hard he flew through the fence. Ferb grabbed the Evoker. Before the guy could attack him, he fired it at his head. His Persona appeared. He looked like a fusion of Arsene and Orpheus but green. He invoked Eigaon, cursing the thug and his Shadow. The guy stood his ground, throwing a punch at Ferb, but luckily he used Tetrakarn just before the blow. The guy was knocked back. He pulled out a gun, ready to shoot. Ferb used Makarakarn to deflect the bullet back at him. He finished the attacker off with Zio. The guy ran off, scared for his life. Ferb went to the camera. "Mission accomplished," he said, turning it off.

**Clip 6: Brap**

_Submitted by Francis Monogram  
_

Monogram placed his phone on a stand. Perry was at a top secret OWCA bunker, which was decorated for Halloween. Perry grabbed a cookie, with icing resembling a jack o' lantern. He burped immediately afterwards. "Uhh, Carl?" "Yes sir?" "What's in those cookies?" "Just some ingredients I bought from a store in Europe." "Where in Europe?" "Crimea." "Wait, what?" Perry let out a loud BRRRAAAPPP, which was loud enough to crack the camera. "Carl!" Monogram said in a stern tone. "Sorry sir, but they were 75% off, I couldn't resist!" "Yeah, well now those godless commies can track your location to here!" "Crimea isn't communist!" While the two were arguing, Monogram pushed the submit button, unaware that he was using the DFHV app.

* * *

When the episode came out, reactions were mixed. Many didn't like how a large amount of clips were submitted when people didn't mean to, and how the app looked identical to the standard camera on Android. However, many edgy teenagers and fat neckbeards appreciated the use of a Persona clip. No one knew that specific clip was real. Also, Linda didn't tune in for this episode, so she had no idea about it. Ferb was suspicious about the clip of him at night. This was the second time it happened. He decided to start investigating. So far he has only told Phineas, Candace, and Isabella. He still has no leads on what's going on. The Persona clip would've won due to it blowing everyone away, however, because the Brap clip was a funny animal clip, Major Monogram won the award. It was a copper trophy, as the show wasn't profitable enough for gold or silver trophies.


End file.
